Relationships can be considered an important part of being human. We are social beings by nature and have survived in communities across our historical existence; we have a deep urge to both connect with others and enjoy our social interactions.

Our important relationships in life can help to support us, provide space for growth, and nourish our well-being. That said, not all relationships are helpful or good for us, and some can be fundamentally harmful. At times, however, any relationship, even healthy ones, can feel strained and experience turbulence, and it can be confusing to separate expected strain or turbulence from unhealthy behaviours. 

Some of the questions being asked here are: how do we define healthy from unhealthy behaviours in relationships? What signs can show us whether a relationship is helpful or unhelpful to our lives? How can we set healthy standards both for ourselves and others so that we can participate and enjoy social interactions?

Understanding the dynamics of healthy behaviours within relationships can help us navigate these shared experiences that are often a central aspect of our lives. It is important for us to develop awareness of ourselves and those around us, figure out our boundaries, and consider what and whom we choose to be around as a result. 

For many individuals, it can be difficult to identify behaviours that are these “red flags”, that we hear so much about these days. This can be particularly so if we have a fondness for a person or it is a loved one, the phrase ‘rose tinted glasses’ explain why we might not be able to see the red in the flags in front of us. We might minimise or deny comments or behaviours that bring us uncomfortable feelings, that show disregard or disrespect or even abuse, and we might do this for a myriad of reasons. However, if we overlook these kinds of behaviours, it can be a way of abandoning ourselves. It is important that we do this work of boundary setting and expression for both ourselves and those around us. 

Healthy relationships hold the fundamental principles of mutual respect, trust, honesty, openness and willingness. They contain healthy boundaries on both sides that are respected, both parties value each other, take an interest, and feel ‘two-way’; they are not exploitative, manipulative, one-sided, and they do not leave us feeling consistently drained. The positive fundamental elements of healthy relationships help to maintain balanced and supportive connections; this can help us address conflict or difficulties that might arise in an effective way that is satisfactory to both parties. 

Here, we explore what healthy relationships look like and discuss what to do if we experience red flags in those around us, whether loved ones: family and friends, or colleagues and acquaintances, and discuss ways to respond effectively if these behaviours are encountered. 

Recognising Healthy Behaviours

Before we can think of what behaviours are unhealthy, it’s a good idea for us to gather understanding of fundamental healthy behaviours first. This can help us gather understanding of the minimum we can expect from others in our lives. 

1. Mutual Respect:

This is the absolute foundational building block of any healthy relationship. Respecting each other’s boundaries, opinions, and individuality is non-negotiable. This doesn’t mean never disagreeing or holding different views or needs, but it means accepting when these differ and allowing that space where needed with respect. This can mean valuing each other’s time, decisions, (both short-term and long-term), and personal space. Without mutual respect, the relationship risks bordering on unhealthy territory, where we might need to state and/or restate our boundaries, and redirect the dynamics. That said, if these attempts are ignored, we might be looking at a toxic connection. 

Example: In a healthy relationship, a loved one supports your decisions even when they hold a different idea of what is best for you, and encourages your personal growth and self-discovery. 

2. Open Communication:

Healthy relationships are often said to be characterised by open, honest, and respectful communication. Whether it’s with a friend, partner, or colleague, the ability to express thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or reprisal is an expected quality within healthy relationships. This does not mean we must share every detail from within our personal inner worlds, but feeling able to express our real selves without the ongoing fear of how the other person might judge us. 

Example: Your friend regularly checks in with you, asks how you are and shares their own feelings, and is genuinely interested in your well-being.

3. Trust and Reliability:

Trust is a cornerstone of any strong relationship. It can involve being reliable and keeping promises, and in turn would include trusting others to do the same. Without it, it is difficult for a relationship to survive, let alone flourish. It can also be indicative abuse or exploitation depending on other factors at hand. 

Example: A colleague consistently meets deadlines and follows through on commitments, creating a dependable work environment.

4. Equality and Partnership:

Healthy relationships thrive on equality: relationships are meant to be a two-way street. That isn’t to say, for whatever reason, that sometimes one person might make a bit more effort than the other, for example, someone might be feeling down or unwell, or might have limited resources. However, this is where the idea of ‘partnership’ comes in, and ‘teamwork’. If for whatever reason one person is less able to contribute momentarily, the other can carry them whilst they are less strong or able. But this is not permanent – relationships become a two-way street again, or are two-ways in alternative ways that still allow the relationship to be mutually beneficial. Healthy relationships are where both parties contribute equally and support each other’s goals.

Example: In a romantic relationship, both partners share responsibilities and make decisions together, ensuring balance and fairness.

Now we have the basics of a healthy relationship down, we can begin to consider potential red flags that we need to hold in our awareness. 

Recognising Red Flags

Here are some examples of red flags to be aware of. This list is not exhaustive and is meant to serve only as a starting point.

1. Manipulation and Control:

One of the most concerning red flags is manipulation or control. This can manifest as one person making all the decisions, controlling finances, or dictating who the other can spend time with. Whilst we could consider all human interactions a kind of manipulation, e.g. we see parents of small children, owners of dogs with treats, activists on the campaign trail, and adverts on TV, there is a point where being swayed by the position of another can be harmful. 

The examples above are daily occasions where we can be subject to low level manipulation and influence. However, manipulation can be toxic, particularly if it’s relating to attempts of control from others. Consider a person saying outrightly “No”, that they do not want something, but their friend persists hoping they will eventually get a ‘yes’ despite obviously beginning to get uncomfortable and anxious. 

Efforts involved in this type of manipulation might include psychological abuse tactics such as gaslighting, which can lead to incredibly damaging after-effects. If we suspect we are being gaslit, we need to act immediately to protect ourselves and reach out to reliable others for support. There are professional organisations trained in supporting people who have been through this kind of treatment. See more here about coping with gaslighting. 

Example: A friend guilt-trips you into doing things their way when you have said ‘no’, undermining your autonomy. Another less talked about example here but very relevant, consider others who might use recovery jargon to manipulate you to their own will or personal interest, at the expense of your own, whilst dismissing that you’re not trying hard enough to be happy.

2. Limited Communication Skills

Poor communication can include a wide range of limited styles. These might include passive-aggressive behaviour, stonewalling, silent treatment or avoiding important discussions. In addition to these elements, which categorically fit into either abuse or neglect territory, are the lesser red flags of limited emotional literacy and invalidation of feelings, and the inability to recognise these things within themselves or in others. Communication relates to sending messages outwards but also involves the receiving of information and comprehension. Stunted development in this respect can be taxing to the person on the receiving end; if we are constantly needing to emphasise, underline and spell out, we might find our needs regularly get overlooked. 

Example: A colleague at work avoids conflict at all costs, which frequently leads to unresolved tension and misunderstandings. They use the silent treatment to punish, and wonder why their problems never get solved. They expect people to guess what they want and then are repeatedly disappointed with people around them when they don’t meet their needs that they haven’t spoken aloud.  

3. Disrespect, Disregard and Dismissiveness:

Disrespect can come in many forms and might look different to different people. Across the board it might include belittling comments, dismissiveness, and a lack of consideration for your feelings and/or opinions. This might range from outright denying of your experience and feelings, towards minimisation and invalidation of your feelings and perspectives without concern. 

Example: A loved one frequently makes fun and ridicules your aspirations and goals, or dismisses your feelings as overreactions and tells you that everything’s ‘just in your head’. A loved one argues your perception of reality as not being real, a difference in view of an event is put down to your shortcomings in mind. Your perspective is invalidated as inaccurate and less trustworthy than theirs. You’re painted as ‘crazy’. 

4. Jealousy and Possessiveness:

Excessive jealousy and possessiveness are definite red flags – these qualities can be suffocating and indicative of deeper trust issues that could put the wider relationship under strain in many different aspects. Jealousy and possessiveness can lead to abuse and isolation, but further, stalking and even so called ‘crimes of passion’. A little bit of jealousy in a relationship is normal and is usually a sign of invested feelings and fear of loss, but how the person acts on that is what defines ‘normal’ from ‘unhealthy’. 

Example: A partner constantly questions you about your whereabouts and who you have been with and even goes as far as checking your phone. They can become angry or cold when you spend time with others in your life in order to punish, and can be contemptuous of friends and family.

5. Self-centredness and entitlement 

Self-centredness and entitlement are two red flags that should not be ignored. It is important to state, we all need to be a little bit selfish; it is essential to our well-being and health to have a healthy protective level of selfishness. Similarly with entitlement, we need a level of entitlement for self-protection; for example, we are entitled to be treated with basic respect as an individual human being walking on the planet.  However, what we are not entitled to is another’s time, energy, attention or resources. 

6.One-way: My way or highway 

We can all have our non-negotiables in life but when we share decisions with another who frequently takes the reigns and ignores our perspectives, this a red flag. 

What to Do About It

What can we do if we witness red flags with people around us? 

1. Communicate Your Concerns:

When we notice unhealthy behaviours, it’s important for us to start by communicating whatever our concerns are. It might be that the person we care about is unaware of what they’re doing and we need to share our perspective. It will help to choose a place that is neutral and calm to you both to discuss your feelings/observations with the person you’re experiencing difficulty with. 

Using “I” statements to express how their behaviour is affecting you can be helpful. For example, “I feel undervalued when my ideas are dismissed” is far more of an effective way to pose this statement, comparing to “you make me feel undervalued when you dismiss my ideas”. One, no one can “make” us feel anything, and two, posing questions in this manner can only leave people on the defensive and doesn’t make for effective conflict resolution. 

2. Setting Boundaries:

Establishing and maintaining boundaries is so important, we’ve dedicated a section specifically for it. If this is something new to you, it might take a little bit of time to figure out what your boundaries are in order to communicate them. However if you have a clear idea on your own personal boundaries it is just a case of communicating these to the other person. It can help us to convey our perspective in clearly defining behaviours that we find unacceptable, and what the consequences will be if those boundaries are crossed.

It’s important for us to be firm yet respectful in our approach to setting boundaries. For example, to a friend who keeps showing up without calling, or cancels without letting people know, we might say: “I need you to respect my time and not show up unannounced/let me know if you need to cancel”.

3. Seek Outside Support

Sometimes when we are going through potential trouble with another, we can feel guilty or bad in thinking of talking about them to others. However, when it comes to considering red flags or asserting our boundaries, especially when this is new to us, it can really help to get some backup. We can do this by seeking support from friends or family members, or even professionals where appropriate. Sometimes an outside perspective can not only offer valuable insights and support, but it can help us feel heard and hear ourselves aloud too, which is important when standing up for ourselves. 

We might consider counselling or therapy if the relationship is shoring up difficulties that you’re struggling work through together on your own terms. For some, they might find that the relationship difficulties are significantly impacting your mental health and well-being. Professional therapists can provide tools and strategies for managing difficulties within relationships and can offer some starting points for continuing work. 

4. Know When to Walk Away

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, the relationship may be too toxic to salvage. Or, if this is a new relationship, you might have noticed things about the person that fundamentally conflict with your own personal values or outlook. Recognising when to walk away in either of these situations is essential for your well-being and personal growth and development. 

Trust your instincts. If the relationship is demonstrating signs of draining your energy and self-esteem, or if it is already doing then, then it might be time to distance yourself from the person to give yourself time to gain perspective. 

Final words

Healthy relationships hold a number of important features that separate them from unhealthy. Some of the cornerstones include trust, respect, and open communication but it is not limited to this. Also, it’s important to acknowledge that even in healthy relationships, there might be times where trust is broken, respect is damaged and communication is difficult, however, in healthy relationships, when this happens, these qualities are used to repair harms done. 

We would hope that all relationships that we have in our lives would be healthy, but unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sadly, many people experience difficulties in the way they relate to others, and this is not something that can change overnight. It is said to take real work to unlearn unhealthy ways of relating to others, approaching conflict, considering world view and unhelpful ways of thinking. 

Red flags pose a real risk to our health and well being as they often hold ties with manipulation tactics, disrespect of boundaries and person, and communication that can leave us feeling hurt and/or exhausted. By recognising potential red flags in our interactions with others and taking proactive steps to address them, we can allow opportunity to develop connections that are more genuine and with being clear on boundaries.

Sometimes, people are unaware of behaviours they are doing and a conversation can help with this. If someone continues to engage in unhealthy behaviour towards you, you can choose to walk away, no matter who that person is in your life. In cases where abuse is present, it’s important to consider professional support organisations.

We deserve to have supportive and positive connections in our lives. Prioritising our mental and emotional well-being is the most important thing. Our relationships should reflect this also and be a safe place for us to engage in.