Grief and loss are some of the most painful experiences we can face in life, and they are sadly guaranteed as part of the human condition. In whichever form they might present to us, from a big loss that we would expect to experience grief, e.g. a loved one dying, to a culturally perceived smaller but no less meaningful loss, e.g. loss of a relationship or job, these can have a big impact on our lives.

Perhaps in reading this article you are currently going through a loss and might be looking at ways to cope or make sense of how you feel. If this is so, I’m sorry to hear of your loss, and can only hope the information contained in this article can be of some use for you in this difficult time. 

Loss can bring with it a range of intense emotions and complicated feelings. These can include anger, sadness, disgust, amongst others. Through this, we begin a journey that can be winding and long, and not straight forward or linear.

Some days, we might feel we are taking steps forwards, and then out of nowhere, it can feel like we’ve taken ten steps back. The grief process at times can feel overwhelming and we can struggle to feel a sense of consistentency; we might naturally feel like retreating and isolating from others, but it’s important that we resist this urge too much, and to try and stay in contact with the people around us.

We can help ourselves when we experiencing grief by learning about the grief process. This can help us to make sense of what we are experiencing and understand the feelings we might be feeling. Through this, we can also learn coping strategies, with which we can equip ourselves to navigate emotional turbulence and allow ourselves steps towards healing.

Below, you can find some information about the Stages of Grief model and the importance of self-compassion during difficult times. There are also examples of coping strategies that people use to help manage during times of grief and loss. 

The Stages of Grief Model

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a renowned psychiatrist, introduced the Five Stages of Grief model in her book ‘On Death and Dying’ (1969). This model presents the idea that we experience grief by way of the following five stages: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance. Along with these stages in mind, feelings and associated common experiences relating to the grief process are also outlined. Since this idea was first published, it has remained the dominant idea relating to grief within psychology. It’s important to understand that these stages do not run in a rigid sequence, and people may experience them in various order or return to a previous stage when it is thought to have been moved through. Each stage offers a hand in the healing process, and assists us to gradually come to terms with our loss and adapt to life without our loved ones or other type of loss. 

Acknowledging and Expressing Emotions

Whilst it might be tempting to try and avoid or suppress our feelings around our loss, this can end up prolonging the grieving process as a result. If we can acknowledge and express emotions in healthy ways, such as sharing feelings with friends, family, or a therapist who can provide support and understanding, this can help us heal well, process things, and adapt to change. Journalling can also be a helpful action. Embracing our vulnerability and being gentle with ourselves can be a catalyst for healing and finding inner strength and growth.

Practicing Self-Compassion

During times of loss, it’s very important to have self-compassion. We need to try and avoid self-judgment, blame and impatience or frustration. We need to allow ourselves permission to mourn our loss, and keep remembering that healing takes time. We need to try and be patient with ourselves as we navigate through these challenges. We might move forwards some days, to find ourselves taking steps back on others; this is normal, and an expected part of the process. Taking time out to practise gentle activities that raise our feelings of comfort can help us more than being hard on ourselves or pushing ourselves to be ‘over it’ sooner than nature is allowing.

Seeking Support

Thr power of support from others in approaching any difficulties in life can help us overcome some of the greatest. We can find support by reaching out to friends, family, neighbours and others. It can also be an idea to search if there are support groups/networks have experienced similar loss; many phone lines are run by volunteers ready to pick up your call. There are some links for relevant support lines and the services at the end of this article that can offer support. Sharing experiences of loss with others who understand you can offer a great deal of validation, reassurance and solidarity. We might also find comfort and a sense of belonging, which can bring us great strength when in grief.

Engaging in Self-Care

When we are going through the grieving process, we can easily fall away from caring for our physical and emotional well-being. We might be forgetting to eat, or just not feeling like it; we might be sleeping too much or not enough. Whilst this can be challenging, doing what we can to have enough rest, provide our body with nutritious food, and trying to engage in activities that bring feelings of comfort. It’s important for us to take a step back from responsibilities when we feel we need to take a break; our objective is to allow ourselves time to heal, to be gentle with ourselves and offer self-compassion and self-care. 

Remembering and Honouring

Honouring the memory of our loved ones is an important part of the grief process and can help us cope with loss. There are a number of ways we can do this, and it will be individual to us all; some people find it helpful to engage in activities that help them remember and cherish the time you spent together. This might include looking at photos, or creating an album, creating a memorial piece, or participating in events that they enjoyed and in turn celebrate their life.

When to seek therapy

Sometimes, grief can become overwhelming and for some people can be a long experience that interfere with daily life. Grief is a natural part of life and it’s one that can completely knock us off our feet; we cannot anticipate how it will impact us. For some of us, grief can be so strong, it can bring us to question our own living, even. If you find yourself coming to terms with a loss for a lot longer than you would expect or if it is having a long term interference with work or relationships, it might be helpful to seek some therapy with a qualified therapist or counsellor. This can help to provide guidance, support, and manage navigating through the grief and loss that you’re experiencing. 

Grief, sadly, is a natural and unavoidable aspect of the human condition. It is a painful and heart wrenching experience and can at times feel neverending. While it can be so painful, it can only exist as far as what the object of loss meant to us; it is through love for what we have lost that causes us the pain. A sudden loss can be so intense it can tear us out of our normal life and we can feel lost at sea; we can find it difficult to eat, sleep, concentrate, and focus. Sadness, pain, and even regret can consume us. 

If we can hold patience, self-compassion, focus on our basic needs, e.g. nutrition and rest, and seek social support, it can give us strength to get through the days and eventually lead to healing. We might never fully overcome a loss, but we can allow ourselves the opportunity to grow around it. We can make room in our hearts for other things too.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve; everyone’s journey is unique, and on its own timeline. Acknowledging, feeling and expressing our emotions helps us to heal; crying is thought to help us physically express excess neurochemicals, so allow yourself the space and time for this when it is needed. 

Surround yourself with supportive others and engage in self-care and importantly: be gentle with yourself. These actions will help as you move through the stages. Sadly, grief is a time thing and will take its natural course. No journey is linear and some days we can feel like we’re moving forwards and the next week we can feel as though we’ve taken multiple steps back. With time, you can hope to find a way to honour your loved one’s memory and celebrate their life, and their meaning to others, and through this possibly find a renewed sense of strength and purpose, or perspective on life.

Further information

Find a reference of support services and phone numbers relating to loss below:

Cruse Bereavement Support https://www.cruse.org.uk 0808 808 1677

Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org 116 123

The Blue Cross Pet bereavement and loss support https://www.bluecross.org.uk 0800 096 6606

SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement of Suicide) https://uksobs.org 0300 111 5065

Mind https://www.mind.org.uk/